Week 5!
Let’s start with a player safety update this week, shall we?
A new study from the New York Sports Science Laboratory found that the concussion-prevention helmets we’ve been seeing on players’ heads are 100% effective at one thing: keeping players from looking cool, tough, or bad-ass.
According to the data, every single player who wore the enormous, mushroom-adjacent helmet looked like a complete and total jackass, ZERO exceptions.
Dubbed ‘Guardian Caps’ by the league, players can now wear the protective gear with complete confidence that it will undoubtedly keep them safe from anyone thinking that they look intimidating or hardcore.
“Sure, it might keep me from developing CTE. But then my brain will be able to recall how ridiculous I looked wearing it,” said one linebacker who chose to remain anonymous.
At publishing time, the NFL had unveiled an even larger “Guardian Cap 2.0” that offers players six full feet of helmet padding in every direction.
Let’s do the Pix!
Week Four Record: 8 – 8
Thursday Night Football
Tampa @ Dallas: Tampa is 0-and-4, while “America’s Team” fields one of the NFL’s most disastrous defenses. Not exactly “must-see” TV here.
Pick – Dallas | Strength of Pick:12 out of 15
Sunday
Eagles @ Jags: Single-score victories over the Commanders and Titans don’t exactly put the Philadelphia Eagles in the “playoff-bound” category. In fact, Philadelphia’s 2-and-2 record puts the team on par with the Jets and Steelers – hardly company worth keeping.
Pick – Jags | Strength of Pick: 10 out of 15
Texans @ Titans: Two winless teams meet up in the “Who Cares” Bowl of 2026.
Look. The Weather Channel wouldn’t even bother broadcasting this game.
However, Texans head coach DeMeco Ryans recently came to the defense of his winless squad, saying: “We’re not nearly as bad as our 0-and-4 record would suggest. We’re an 0-and-3 squad, at worst.” Ryans asserted.
Pick – Titans | Strength of Pick: 5 out of 15
Bengals @ Dolphins: With uniforms that look like carpet ripped straight out of a discount strip club, the Cincinnati Bengals travel to Miami to play the only ball club that hasn’t led a game this season.
Even a beat-up Bengals team in those ass-ugly uniforms will find a way to score 20 against the Dolphins—and that’ll be enough to cover most Vegas odds.
Pick – Bengals | Strength of Pick: 15 out of 15
Raiders @ Patriots: The upstart Raiders battled with the league’s version of Big Brother for four quarters and nearly handed the Chiefs their first loss of the season last week. Meanwhile, the Patriots appeared to figure a lot out last week against a hateful Bills franchise that would do anything NOT to lose to New England.
The Patriots are back at home against a team they likely never thought they’d have to take seriously – they do.
Two edgy, scrappy AFC teams that could give us one of the season’s best games.
Pick – Raiders | Strength of Pick: 3 out of 15
Vikings @ Saints: Yes. I get it. Minnesota is unbeaten. Fine. But they’re the most fraudulent 4-and-0 team you’ll ever encounter. This Kyler Murray-led offense has the league’s fewest yards per play, and they do nothing particularly well offensively.
I mean, it’s practically impossible to play the Miami Dolphins and NOT score a touchdown, but Vikings Rent-a-QB (Kyler Murray) managed to pull it off last week.
Pick – Saints | Strength of Pick: 7 out of 15
Browns @ Jets: No typo: the Cleveland Browns are 3-1. So I actually DID wake up on October 5th in a world where the Cleveland Browns won three games in a row…
Is it time to actually believe in the Browns? It is when they’re facing the Jets.
Pick – Browns | Strength of Pick: 4 out of 15
Colts @ Steelers: Steelers’ QB, Aaron Rodgers, reportedly spent much of this week preparing his offensive unit with a vital piece of strategic advice: sometimes smoking an unvetted substance is better than smoking nothing at all…
Pick – Steelers | Strength of Pick: 1 out of 15
Giants @ Commanders: Washington had to drill down to its 3rd-string QB in a loss to the Colts last week, while NY Giants QB, Jameis Winston, was thrust into the NFL’s concussion protocol after he was heard speaking in a complete sentence during a post-game interview.
According to team sources, medical personnel overheard Winston give interview responses in coherent sentences while maintaining a single train of thought; such responses from NFL players often trigger an immediate concussion evaluation, especially with defensive linemen.
“I just understood everything Jameis said. Something isn’t right,” Giants’ head trainer Kermit Butts reportedly shrieked.
Butts reportedly guided Winston to an exam room, where team physician Dr. Scott Rodeo put the QB through standard evaluation: How you feeling, Jameis? Can you tell me what you’ve been doing today?”
“I feel fine. We just finished a game, and we came out with the win! I’m very pleased with my performance and with the support of my offense. Is there a problem?” quipped Winston.
“Whoa. That… made perfect sense. Okay, this is a problem. Let’s go with Grade 3 concussion, people. I’ll let the coaches know right away,” said Dr. Rodeo.
Pick – Giants | Strength of Pick: 2 out of 15
Broncos @ Chargers: The wayward and winless Bolts made things a little interesting in their loss to the reigning champions last week, but only because Seattle appeared to take their foot off the gas a little too early. A rash of offensive line injuries and a bad habit of gifting their opponents with poor play ought to keep the Chargers winless for at least one more week as they take on the perennial contenders in Denver.
Pick – Broncos | Strength of Pick: 9 out of 15
Bears @ Packers: Applause to the Packers for vanquishing that 0 and 4 Buccaneers squad last week (sarcasm).
Sometimes a win just doesn’t feel like a win. Frankly, this season is likely to continue feeling like a dry shave with a rusty razor for the Green Bay faithful.
Making matters even more egregious, Chicago appears to be bulletproof at the QB slot – the Bears just reeled off 490+ yards of offense against one of the league’s best defensive units with a backup QB.
Pick – Bears | Strength of Pick: 14 out of 15
Lions @ ‘Zona: Either Carolina’s Bryce Young magically became an MVP-caliber QB, or it’s just the fact that the Lions have the league’s worst passing defense – my money is on the latter.
Whether Detroit’s coach, Dan Campbell, likes it or not, 2024 is long gone, and his Lions are mediocre. Fortunately for Detroit, the Cardinals are far less than mediocre.
Pick – Lions | Strength of Pick: 11 out of 15
49ers @ Seahawks: The undefeated 49ers are playing footloose and carefree football while the Seahawks seem to be playing with a hangover. How befitting that this game would be played in October, because the Niners are the NFL equivalent of Freddy Krueger:
They just won’t go away. Especially today…
Pick – 49ers | Strength of Pick: 6 out of 15
Ravens @ Falcons: One benefit of being a Falcons fan is that you’ll never have to worry about riots from fans celebrating a Super Bowl victory. If you want peace and quiet at the end of every NFL season, Atlanta is the city for you!
Pick – Ravens | Strength of Pick: 13 out of 15
~ MNF ~
Bills @ Rams: Buffalo has coughed up 29 points 3 times in the first 4 games of the season. Guess the Bills “peaked” in week one…
Tune in on Monday night to see the “super team” of 2026, the L.A. Rams, as the players will be the first to wear revolutionary sensor-embedded jockstraps, capable of transmitting real-time data on genital velocity.
Seriously, what was once a potential Super Bowl preview won’t be if the Rams don’t start winning more convincingly.
Pick – Rams | Strength of Pick: 8 out of 15
Enjoy the Games | Love you Guys
Jason
