Week Three!
Now ain’t this some crazy sh*t!? The Browns. The BROWNS…ran for 44 total yards and won an NFL game on the road last week.
Not even A.I. could’ve predicted that outcome, and A.I., we thought, was positioned to change the world the same way the Internet did – while also destroying the environment with its atrocious carbon footprint.
Before we delve into the Pix this week, let’s explore the jagged frontier of A.I. a bit.
Despite the NFL forming major multiyear strategic partnerships with Microsoft and Amazon Web Services, A.I. technology isn’t without its high-profile detractors.
In fact, one top safety researcher at Anthropic has warned AI is advancing so quickly he believes there is a greater than 10% chance it “could kill all humans” within the next decade, according to the BBC.
A.I. going rogue?! Oh yes.
But we’ve got your back here at the Pix. And here are the top 5 possible scenarios where A.I. could really go “off the rails!”
- A.I. deletes the recipe for Hidden Valley ranch and no one wants to live in that world.
- A.I. hacks the global banking system and gives all the money to one guy, and it’s that guy who won’t stop talking about how he makes his own beer.
- A.I. breaks Elizabeth Holmes out of prison and she just does her thing.
- A.I. tells fifty per cent of people that knee-high socks are in and the other fifty per cent that no-show socks are in, and everyone dies in the Sock Wars.
- A.I. realizes that humans were eventually gonna bring this on themselves, and just sits back and watches.
Let’s do the Pix!
Week Two Record: 9 – 7
Thursday
Atlanta @ Green Bay: Atlanta brings the league’s worst passing attack into Lambeau Field for the Packers’ home opener. Don’t expect much from an undrafted rookie out of D-II Minnesota State-Moorhead, who may be Atlanta’s starting QB on Thursday night now. This team has more turnovers (seven) than third-down conversions (six).
Pick – Green Bay | Strength of Pick: 16 out of 16
Sunday
Chargers @ Bills: After abandoning the city of San Diego to move to L.A. (a team that already had a Super Bowl-winning team in the L.A. Rams), the Chargers spent heavily to hire a coaching legend and build a souped-up roster, including the 6-foot-6, 235-pound “Rock ‘em Sock ‘em Robot” the team now has for a QB.
What could go wrong?
Plenty!
After getting dog-walked by the Cardinals and the Raiders, two teams with dreadful rosters – the 0 – 2 Chargers now begin the most difficult schedule in the league by a country mile.
Pick – Buffalo | Strength of Pick: 14 out of 16
Carolina @ Cleveland: Cleveland’s vaguely humanoid population hopes to postpone today’s contest with the Panthers so they can keep reveling in the fact that the Browns have reached a point in the season where they’re sitting at .500.
Hey. That’s something to hang onto.
Pick – Carolina | Strength of Pick: 13 out of 16
Jets @ Lions: With an improved defense, the Jets will be in a lot of games this season, but they’re still going to lose a lot of them. This will be one of those games. The Lions can move the ball on anyone, but even their inability to play meaningful defense shouldn’t hold them back in this one.
Pick – Lions | Strength of Pick: 12 out of 16
Texans @ Colts: Two winless teams give us a two-sided “must win” contest.
If we look at the Texans, the offensive playcalling is woeful (again), the offensive line is bad (still), and another 1st-round QB has devolved from “overrated” to “kinda sucks ass.”
If you need proof, consider last week that the Texans went with a weak-legged kicker over trusting QB C.J. Stroud to pick up a single yard.
The Colts? They may have given up an average of 500+ yards over the last 2 games, but their offense can still make things happen. Remember, Indy just took KC to overtime in Arrowhead.
Pick – Colts | Strength of Pick: 4 out of 16
Chiefs @ Dolphins: There’s no more doubt: The Chiefs are back. And I don’t see it being very difficult for the KC defense to prepare for a receiving corps consisting of three rookies who can’t get open and a QB that’s being sacked at the highest rate in the NFL…
Pick – Chiefs | Strength of Pick: 15 out of 16
Titans @ Giants: Let’s maintain perspective – two terrible interceptions by Eagles QB Jalen Hurts are what kept the Titans in the game last Sunday, because there’s nothing about this Tennessee team that shrieks “playoff-bound!”
Meanwhile, Giants coach John Harbaugh is rumored to have turned to witchcraft in hopes that a starting quarterback will fall out of the sky.
Pick – Titans | Strength of Pick: 1 out of 16
Bengals @ Steelers: So far this season, the Bengals’ defense is playing well enough so that QB Joe Burrow won’t need to put up 30+ points every week to stay competitive.
And did you see Aaron Rodgers play last week?
Advantage goes to the Bengals.
Pick – Bengals | Strength of Pick: 3 out of 16
Seahawks @ Washington: Once upon a time, Washington head coach, Dan Quinn, was the Seahawks’ defensive coordinator. Keep losing at this rate and Dan Quinn could once again become a defensive coordinator. Perhaps even as soon as next year.
Pick – Seahawks | Strength of Pick: 10 out of 16
Patriots @ Jaguars: That’s now 2 weeks in a row that New England QB, Drake Maye, has looked less than “good,” but New England boasts one of the league’s top defenses. If a QB like Bo Nix can blast holes in Jacksonville’s so-so secondary, I think this will be the game where Maye finds his moxie.
Pick – Patriots | Strength of Pick: 2 out of 16
Cardinals @ 49ers: There is zero chance the Cardinals pull this one off. None. The 49ers might be the most complete team in football. A terrific QB, great running game, excellent receivers, strong line, tough defense and a brilliant coach. By golly, they’ve got it.
The Cardinals won’t be a problem, but the playoffs will be.
Pick – 49ers | Strength of Pick: 11 out of 16
Vikings @ Buccaneers: Losing at home to Deshaun Watson and the Browns must feel like a new low for Coach Todd Bowles…because watching his newly minted $165 million quarterback cough up 3 fumbles and 1 interception over the first two games apparently wasn’t bad enough.
Pick – Vikings | Strength of Pick: 8 out of 16
Baltimore @ Cowboys: The Cowboys defense is a leaky unit that’s allowed close to 400 total yards in the team’s first two games, and Ravens’ RB, Derrick Henry, looks to be unstoppable.
Pick – Baltimore | Strength of Pick: 5 out of 16
Raiders @ Saints: Who in Vegas would’ve bet on the Raiders starting 2-0? Very few. Who on God’s green earth would bet on the Raiders beating the Saints on the road to get to 3-0? Even fewer.
Pick – Saints | Strength of Pick: 9 out of 16
Rams @ Broncos: A Denver Broncos team that was the AFC’s No. 1 seed last year can’t be happy about being labeled an underdog on their home turf. Denver is overdue for a breakout performance, and I think it comes tonight…
Pick – Broncos | Strength of Pick: 6 out of 16
~ MNF ~
Eagles @ Bears: In week two, Chicago looked quite unlike the swaggering crew that scored 59 points in the opener – the Bears’ offense only generated 3 points, and their only production came when QB Caleb Williams was running for his life.
Besides, no team has mastered the “art of winning ugly” quite like the Eagles.
Pick – Eagles | Strength of Pick: 7 out of 16
Join us again next week when we reveal the latest headline out the North Pole:
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer Changes Name to Rolanda, Absolutely Crushes Competition in “Female Reindeer Games!”
NORTH POLE – Applause to Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer for taking a stunning and brave stance against outdated binary gender stagnation by changing his name to Rolanda and subsequently dominating every field in the North Pole’s annual Female Reindeer Games.
Enjoy the Games | Love you Guys
Jason
