Hey Hey Hey..! It’s Wildcard Weekend.
Now that the holidays are over, kids worldwide are feeling a weight being lifted knowing they can finally get back down to being naughty, while moms who’ve committed to “Dry January” are having their commitments severely tested by repetitive games of Candyland with their 3-year-old daughters.
One local mom took to Instagram recently, sharing her frustration: “If I have to go through Peanut Acres one more time, so help me, I’m opening the bottle. I did not imagine there could be such pain as I am currently enduring. Another backwards fall past Lord Licorice? Just waterboard me already. I defy anyone to make it through one round of this sh*t game while fully sober.”
So…how are your New Year resolutions holding up?
C’mon – they’re an important part of our lives. Special little promises we make to ourselves to be…well…less like us and more like other, better people.
If you’ve had a little trouble sticking to your new resolution in the first week of 2026, I understand the trick is to be more specific about it. Then, there’s a better chance it’ll stick.
For example, we mustn’t just say, “I want to lose weight.” Instead, try scribbling “When my arm jiggles, I want it to look less like a pelican’s throat-pouch choking down a bass” on a Post-it and stick it to the bathroom mirror.
Anyhow, the regular season is over, and it’s time for Wildcard Weekend. By noon on Monday, Jan. 5th – the day after the regular season ended – three coaches had already been fired…none of them were surprises:
Atlanta’s Raheem Morris was the first coach fired (but only because he is black), Cleveland’s Kevin Stefanski was second (for acting like he’s black – a big No No), and moments ago, the Raiders just announced Pete Carroll is out after just one year (why are you looking for an ethnic reference – don’t be racist).
And Jerry Jones has come under fire for not being aware that he owns a football team.
Frankly, as I write this, we’re now up to eight teams looking for a new coach – that’s 25% of the league!
Let’s do the Wildcard Weekend Pix!
Week 18 Record: It wasn’t good…
Saturday Games
Rams @ Panthers: A little hard to feel optimistic about your chances in the playoffs when your coach thinks dialing up a red zone “flea flicker” in a torrential downpour is a good idea.
However, the Panthers have a chance if the Rams accidentally assume today is a meaningless preseason game…which could happen.
On the other hand, if the Rams do win, they’ve promised to dedicate the win to whatever city they happen to play for this year.
Rams quarterback Matthew Stafford said: “We’re the Rams, so I’m gonna say our fans live…somewhere in the northwest? Maybe not. Either way, I’m sure they contributed a lot to get us into the playoffs this year. Really, this is the best city or possibly metropolitan area or maybe even town in the country, baby, and whoever the hell you people are, this weekend’s win is gonna be for you!”
Upon arriving in Carolina on Friday, a jubilant L.A. Rams team reportedly rushed off the bus and into the hotel in a rousing chant of “Wherever we’re from this year! Wherever we’re from this year!
Pick – Rams | Strength of Pick: 5 out of 6
Packers @ Bears: The Bears enter the playoffs having lost their last two regular-season games, and that has Chicago looking like the old, current, and future Bears.
But the Packers aren’t exactly “the Packers” right now either. To say that neither team is firing on all cylinders entering the playoffs would be an understatement.
So far, Ben Johnson’s strategy of pretending to trust QB Caleb Williams has worked pretty well. They’ve somehow made the playoffs with Williams running around in a panic and then blindly heaving the ball to a receiver who makes an impossible catch time and again.
For Green Bay coach Matt LaFleur? No pressure, but if he loses, Chicago gets to say they beat him in the playoffs. Ouch.
Whoever has the ball, could they please just stick with the running game to burn time off the clock, because to be quite honest, this repulsive playoff matchup can’t be over soon enough.
Pick – Bears | Strength of Pick: 6 out of 6
Sunday Games
Bills @ Jaguars: First, yes. The Jaguars did make the playoffs. Second – Whether or not Bills’ QB, Josh Allen, will continue to waste his prime playing for a team that’s coached by Sean McDermott will remain a question.
So long as the warm Florida air doesn’t tempt Allen into enjoying a nice, helmetless motorcycle ride this weekend, then the Bills have a chance.
Oh, who am I kidding?
It’s the Buffalo Bills. It’s not gonna happen. It just isn’t allowed. Look, I don’t make the rules but it’s Buffalo, okay? Sorry, Bills fans.
Pick – Jaguars | Strength of Pick: 1 out of 6
49ers @ Eagles: Despite the Niners showing great resolve to make the playoffs, the Band-Aids and loose stitching holding the rest of the roster’s appendages together can’t last forever. Get ready for a Wildcard Weekend ass-kicking.
In a city where good sportsmanship is seen as a sign of weakness, it’s best not to remind Eagles’ fans that, win or lose, they’ll still be calling Philadelphia home after the game ends.
Pick – Eagles | Strength of Pick: 4 out of 6
Chargers @ Patriots: If the Chargers just do that crazy “Chargers” thing that only they can do, they can knock the Patriots out of the playoffs today. Look for L.A. head coach, Jim Harbaugh, to set the tone for his inexperienced team by freaking out under pressure and screaming at somebody for no reason.
Stressing the importance of physical and mental preparation for their upcoming game against New England, a wild-eyed, frenzied Jim Harbaugh reportedly informed all active Charger players that they would have to kill their pregame meal themselves.
“You have four hours to track, catch, and slaughter your food before kickoff,” Harbaugh said during a 7 a.m. team meeting on Friday.
Pick – Patriots | Strength of Pick: 2 out of 6
Texans @ Steelers: Have you seen the photos and videos that surfaced of a Catholic priest sprinkling holy water onto the endzone prior to Pittsburgh’s tilt with the Ravens last week? The Steelers won on a missed field goal.
Look. If Jesus is rooting for the Steelers, there’s really not much the Texans are gonna be able to do today. If not, a Pittsburgh loss will be made all the worse once Steeler fans learn that Aaron Rodgers has been signed to an 11-year, $2.4 billion contract extension.
Look for the 42-year-old Rodgers to impress today with his excellent mobility QBing on crutches.
Pick – Steelers | Strength of Pick 3 out of 6
Enjoy the Playoffs ~ Love you Guys
Jason
themetalpix.blog 